Fantasy Football Fantasy

ToT is happy football season is back, but as usual, the experience is somewhat soured by two factors:
1. My 49ers are on the other side of the continent, and according to NFL rules must receive only 20% of the coverage that the Jets may get, regardless of how much the Jets have sucked since Nixon was Prez.
2. Fantasy football is back.

Before fantasy football, people rooted for teams in what still is a team sport. But now, the teams have been derivatized so that, as the Couch Slouch has pointed out, people now follow every tackle, sack, run, TD and towel wipe of individual players. This is the equivalent of going from investing in the S&P 500 to investing in just the interest payments from mortgages on houses on Richmond Street in San Diego.

This perversion cannot stand, man.

So let's make it worse. Let's have every fantasy footballer post their standings in a national database. Then fans of fantasy football could create their own fantasy team of fantasy football participants. After enough years of FF, these stat freaks should have reputation, winnings, etc. to keep score with. The FF fans could build portfolios by being able to pick between Chip, the unemployed fantasy seer who always finishes in the top three of the Beerswillers League, or MonkeyAss14, who has a proprietary formula for choosing the most underrated rookie to get the highest fantasy football score.

Why not have fantasy football leagues that aren't player focused, but offense and defense oriented? You could start the Colts offense and the Seattle defense one week, the Ravens offense and the Colts defense. How about an injury league, where you choose the team that will rack up the most injuries in a week? How about a fantasy football league that doesn't follow raw productivity, but productivity per dollar in the contract? You can derivatize everything if there's stats for it, right? You see, we need to have a large amount of investments, so you can diversify your fantasy football investment dollar.

That way, some moron will be rooting for Chad Johnson, Rex Grossman, Manny Lawson, Joe Nedney, the Packers D, the Arizona O, the Ravens offense to score low, the Raiders defense to get blown wide open and have no idea what he's doing. Then he'll have to hire a fantasy football broker to manage it all.

And actually watch the game for once.

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